This one is for my friends who recently started weblogs. The unnamed blogger what blogs at The Shallow End has posted 8 Steps To Increased Weblog Traffic.

A couple of comments, though...

Regarding Step 4: Don't be afraid to mix random words in with "fuck" and "ass". "Asshat" seems pretty popular these days, and I'm quite fond of "fuckswitch", myself...

Regarding Step 7: The underwear color Movable Type plugin deletes all your posts if you're going commando. Just be sure you have a backup.

Regarding Step 8: He seems to be a bit confused as to what XML/RDF/RSS thingies are for. For clarification, you put those on your site so that "rss" shows up next to your site's name on blo.gs.

Jesse Walker wrote up a nice review of The Matrix Reloaded (which I will get around to seeing this weekend...) He ends with this:

My fantasy for how the trilogy should conclude: After learning that absolutely every level of reality is just another matrix, The One shrugs his shoulders and walks off the film set. A digital camera follows him across the street to a lecture hall, where a professor is denouncing metafiction and declaring postmodernism a literary dead end. Keanu's cell phone rings: It's his agent. We hear them chatting about how much they're making from all that Matrix tie-in merchandising. Then the wall collapses and the cast of Blazing Saddles falls into the lecture room, throwing pies.

Now I'd pay to see that...

There are few things I find sadder than a blank weblog.

Particularly when it's Vodkapundit, the pinnacle of cool...

Come back, Stephen! I desperately need to make dinner plans. At least let us know how the book is coming along...

Right front drive axle and CV joints: $201.24
Left front drive axle and CV joints: $201.24
Brake rotor machining: $92.24
Air Filter: $12.99
Two Tires: $134.00

Having a car that'll get me to Bonnaroo and back: Priceless $641.71

Sk8er Boi: The Movie.

I think I'm probably the last person that should get on people for wasting their lives, but I think that the people at SaveSurge.org just have far too much time on their hands. The site is dedicated to Coca-Cola's crappy Mountain Dew knockoff Surge. At the site you'll find the inevitable online petition, a flyer you can distribute, Avatars and Banners a (still frequently updated) list of where you can still find Surge ("Please note that these SURGE Sightings are not guaranteed. It's always best to call ahead before making any cross country road trips!"), or you can subscribe to the newsletter.

Some mad scientists affiliated with the organization have a fiendish plan to Clone Surge. Trixie and the Misdemeanors have recorded their song 88 Lines About 44 Surge Drinkers. (mp3 available here)

I'm sorry, if I get involved with any online food or drink related campaign, it'll definitely be to bring back the classic Subway cut.

I was really hoping to get Big Smith out to Bonnaroo this year, but it just wasn't meant to be. Instead, they're heading out on a little California mini-tour.

They start the tour in San Francisco at Thee Parkside with their cousin's band Red Meat on Thursday, June 12. From there they head over to The Ivy Room in Albany on Friday, the West Side Theater in Newman on Saturday, and back to SF to the Make Out Room on Monday, June 16.

Give 'em a couple days to get down the coast and you Southern Californians get a chance to catch them at the Doll Hut in Anaheim Thursday, June 19.

Enjoy 'em California folks, but be sure you send them back. We haven't had a Lawrence show in far too long now...

Me: Yeah, I haven't been hanging out here too long and this is the first time I've been out for the jam session. You guys sound pretty good...

Guy: Thanks... Are you a cop?

Me: No, no...

Guy: I'm just kidding... heh heh...

Me: heh heh...

Guy: Are you a bounty hunter?

Me: No, no...

Guy: I'm just kidding... heh heh...

Me: heh heh...

Guy: But really, are you?

Me: No.

Friday night went fairly well. It helped that it was a slow night, but I think I handled everything fairly well. I made one admittedly sub-par Margarita and had one guy complain about having a whiskey and coke mixed too strong. The most complicated things that were ordered were Bloody Marys and White Russians, and I think I do a pretty good job with those two. Mostly people were drinking bottled beer.

Ovarall, not too bad. It took me a long time to get everybody kicked out, but I started early enough that I had everyone gone by closing time. Cleanup took a rather long time, but I think that was mostly because I didn't know where anything was, and because I spent more time than I should have trying to clean up that wretched hive of scum and villany. I think I mopped spots on the floor that hadn't been cleaned in months.

I made enough money that I'd do it again if given the chance. Not a whole lot, but I'm doing this more for the experience than anything else. I'm not actually on their schedule, but will fill in occasionally when folks want some time off. We'll see.

Before I get to the meat of this post, I'd like to make a quick note to myself. Hey Ryan, next time you get a chance to work on the site change your template to not display titles. The posts themselves on here are inane enough without even more inane titles above them...

Well, it's my first night bartending tonight. After work I'm going to head over to the tobacco store and buy myself a nice zippo. (The one thing I've learned from the excellent bartenders at Harry's is to always carry a zippo.) Then home to change and right over to the bar where I will be working until close. I am actually there by myself for the duration of the evening with no prior experience.

I don't think I've ever been this nervous when starting a job before. I'm sure it'll go all right, but we'll see. The things that most worry me are:

• Overserving someone: I think I'll have the sense to cut people off, but if it's busy, will I notice?
• Forgetting names/mixing up tabs: I've never been too great with names. I know a lot of the people who hang out there, but Fridays aren't the normal crowd. I think I'll be writing down names and brief descriptions. And I hope that a good percentage of the people pay cash as they go.
• Speed: After having seen it out there last Friday night, I don't think this will be a problem. We'll see, though
• Knowing my shit: I know how to make a lot of drinks, but we'll see how I actually do when asked to make stuff other than what my relatives in Wisconsin drink. I don't think there's going to be much call for brandy old fashioneds here.

Wish me luck, anyway.

Oh, and enjoy your Memorial Day weekend, everybody...

Some pictures of the earth were taken recently from Mars.

Well, there's still another 71 days until the first pre-season football game. Another month after that until the season actually starts.

In the meantime, anyone up for some fantasy cricket?

Just when I thought I was as smooth as they come, someone comes along and shows me that I still have a lot of tricks to learn...

Interesting... There's a pickup game of Cricket going on in the field across from my office right now. It certainly is a nice day for it today...

Well, against my better judgement and the advice of many, I called that girl last Saturday and set something up for tomorrow night. Then I get a call from the bar last night asking me to work tomorrow night, my first actual night bartending.

Since I was iffy on pursuing anything with this girl anyway, I think I'm going to try to reschedule. I'm sure she'll love that. I just don't want to turn the bar down the first time they ask me to work. I'm working tonight, and I suppose they'll do whatever bartending training they intend to do while I'm out there tonight. I usually see this girl out there Thursday nights too. We'll see how pissed/apathetic/whatever she actually is.

Ken Layne has often linked to that Achewood comic. I've read them a couple of times, but never really read it regularly. Well, last week they ran a series of cartoons about the old game Oregon Trail.

Last night it inspired me to play a bit myself. I downloaded the game and an Apple IIe emulator from here and played my way all the way to Oregon.

Be careful that you stock up on food before you hit the desert. The hunting isn't too good out there. My family went without food for a week and a half before we got to the mountains.

I also got a Commodore 64 emulator, but I have yet to get Wasteland to work with it. I'll try a different emulator tonight.

Hey, check out the latest in do it yourself network technology...

Try this at home, really! One day the local salesmen reps of a major networking company (that rhymes with Nabisco) came by to talk to my boss. Since he was on the phone they came in and talked to me so I showed them the etherkiller. I think it scared the shit out of them. I also got yelled at by my boss since he thinks we might not ever get warranty support again.

Found at Memepool.

Some friends have been bugging me to get a new car... Maybe what I need to get is the Moller M400 Skycar. The M400 is a vertical takeoff and landing craft with a top speed of 380 mph, uses normal automotive gas, has a range of 900 miles, and gets 28 miles to the gallon.

After you check out the flight videos be sure to put down your deposit.

If you can't afford the $995,000 pricetag, you can get a 1:38 Die Cast replica for 1/100,000 the price. What a deal!

The old weblog standby... If you have nothing to say, you can always redesign the site. I think this look is a bit cleaner, and the narrowed width means that I can write less and it'll look like more. Now all I have to do is double space and increase the font size just a bit.

I also sent Purple Gyakui on a vacation. This is the first picture he's sent back. I think he may have altered that photo. He's tall, but he's not that tall... He's in the Bahamas now, but he said the vacation is a bit open ended. He promises to send pictures, and I'll put them up as he sends them in, but you know how he is... You can never count on him to do what he says he's going to do.

So an interesting night out at the bar...

Tonight was my second night flipping burgers out at my new hangout here in town. I took this job mainly in the hopes that it'll turn into an occasional bartending gig. It sounds like it will, but in the meantime it's not too bad a deal. I get to play in the Thursday night darts league, I get a couple free beers, and go home with a little more money than I came with.

I've also half-jokingly said that I took the job so that when women ask me what I do I can tell them that I cook at a bar rather than tell them that I'm a computer programmer. The ladies don't seem to dig the computer thing too much.

Well, things took an interesting turn this evening. I've been hanging out there for a couple of months now, and the crowd is somewhat old. I'm by far the youngest person who hangs out there, but it's a fun crowd. There are some women who come out, some older, some not. A couple that I would even say that I was a bit interested in. Over the last couple months I had been trying to figure out who was single and who wasn't. Going into tonight I think I had decided that the two I was somewhat interested in were both in relationships.

One in particular I was sure was in a relationship. She doesn't play in the monday night darts league, but comes in often just to drink. About the fourth time I saw her, her boyfriend came in late in the evening and they were obviously a couple. I've seen them together since then.

Tonight was a slow night at the bar. I had prepared all my food and was just sitting at the bar for about an hour before I even got my first order. Four people had just showed up and wanted burgers. I run in back and get some burgers on the grill. As I'm getting everything ready, this woman walks in. She says, "I wanted you to have something..." and hands me a slip of paper.

"Give me a call sometime," she says.

I say I'll do that and she takes off. I first think that maybe I was wrong about her having a boyfriend... Shortly thereafter, I hear talk at the bar about her. I hear various things like, "Well, when I was that age I used to try to juggle them too, but I just can't do that any more." OK, so I was right.

I've never been the other guy before...

Well, later in the evening, the boyfriend comes in. Once again, I get a burger order and head back to the kitchen to fry it up. I again hear snippets of conversation from the bar. All I hear this time is the bartender saying to him, "Well, I just thought I should let you know. I know how that can be and I'd hate to have you not coming in here any more." Yup...

Well, I stay until the end of my shift, then stay for a couple of beers. It's slow in there, and eventually it's just me, the bartender, and the boyfriend. Conversation turns to the woman. He says that he really cares for her, but he's seen the writing on the wall and isn't particularly surprised. The three of us chat about relationships, lost money, found money, and Johnny Cash. (It's a shame about June Carter... Our thoughts are with you, Johnny...)

As much as I'd like to, I don't think I'll be giving her a call.

James Lileks on Cigarettes vs. Cigars:

Back to work. Or maybe I should take a break and consult with that cigar again. People ask me: what’s the difference between cigarettes and cigars? Simple: when you go out for a cigar, and your lighter is out of fluid, you set it aside. At some point in the evening you refill the lighter. Eventually you find your way back to that cigar - unless it looks smoked out, in which case you toss it and go to bed.

If you head out for a cigarette, and your lighter’s dead, you find two dry sticks and rub them together until you get a spark. And if you light it filter-end first, you snap off the filter and smoke it backwards, even though that means you get brackish snarky-flavored tobacco flecks in your mouth. Then you go inside and rummage through all your pockets for matches. And if you don’t find any? Easy: desk drawer. There’s a lighter you bought at a gift shop in Mexico back there somewhere. There has to be. There just has to be.

Ummm... Not that I started smoking again or anything...

Crap...

Ugh... In the last week, I've started three posts but discarded them when they didn't live up even to the meager standards of this site. Well, updates on a couple of things:

I'm sorry to have missed another midwest blog bash this weekend. Perhaps if I had been there I may have found out the reason for the blogger formerly known as Juan's hiatus.

Speaking of hiatus, a little band from Vermont came off their hiatus this year and is coming to Kansas City in July. A friend of a friend collected money from me last Friday to buy tickets on Saturday. I haven't heard from her, but I assume she was able to at least get lawn tickets. Should be a fun time...

Bonnaroo edges closer. I'm starting to waffle on whether I'll be going. I still have my two tickets on the way, but I don't think I trust my car to make it to Tennessee and back. If anybody wants to drive down to Tennessee for the festival and doesn't have a ticket, I'll sell my extra at a deep discount in exchange for a ride to the show from Kansas City. Email me if you're interested.

Most interestingly, I started a second job recently. The bar I've been going to for my dart league is about to lose a part time bartender, so I've been working on training into that position. Pay won't be much, but it's a fun place to hang out at, and I've wanted to get a bartending gig for a while now. This seems like an excellent no-pressure place to start getting some experience. I spent last Thursday cooking, playing in a dart tournament, and watching that tornado track towards Shawnee. I think that because of the weather it was slower than normal last Thursday, but even at its busiest it doesn't get too bad over there.

That's about all that's going on here. Home repairs are keeping me both busy and broke. Got siding off the house yesterday and hope to get everything sealed and new siding on tomorrow. In the meantime, that section of the wall is covered with a sheet of plastic that I'm sure my neighbors just love. Don't worry guys, I'll have the siding up tomorrow, and I hope to paint it this weekend. Just want to make sure I do whatever I can to get thing fixed properly before I put the siding back on.

Review One:
I was planning on going to see X-Men 2 on Sunday, but decided I'd stay home and see if tornadoes took down my house instead. I finally got a chance to go see it last night. It was bad-ass. Nightcrawler was cool, Wolverine got to kick a lot of ass, and Jean Grey got in a fight and got to go all Tetsuo on someone...

Review Two:
I went to see Widespread Panic on Tuesday. Eh. I enjoyed the show, but I guess they're just not my thing. Definitely not something I'd go out of my way to see again, but I'm sure I'll catch their set at Bonnaroo. They did play the only song I know by them, though.

From a moe. mailing list...

THIS IS AN OPEN LETTER TO WHOMEVER SWIPED A GUITAR PEDAL (RMC WAH WAH PEDAL) at the recent monkeys on ex show in Syracuse, NY.

THE WHOLE BAND had a great time doing this three show run in
venues packed with great people. The last one, however, ended on a
sour note when it was brought to my attention that some audience
member(s) walked off with some of my property.

It's difficult to get around my feelings on this: The Monkeys played their
asses off, enjoyed the nite and the folks and felt that something cool
was shared. Next thing ya know, some loser is ripping you off. Stuck
the knife in and broke it off, as it were.....

I won't get much more dramatic about it (not much),.... all I ask is that
YOU ( you know who you are, or maybe just witnessed this lo fi
maneuver ) do one of two things:

1. return the pedal, which is unique for me and is a tool that allows me
to do my job, - thereby also returning some of my faith in humanity and
the high regard I have for every one of the audience members for
which we play.

or....

2. Know in your heart that you did something cool by rudely depriving
me of my general sanity and personal property. In addition, you had
better know how to USE THE FUCKING THING EXTREMELY WELL.
No playing shaft-like nonsense fer hours on end.

O.K. 'nuff said.
Just email me at chuck@moe.org
or mail the thing to this address:

moe. mail
P.O. Box 931
Portland, ME 04104

no strings attached, you can be as anonymous as you like.
Make me not want to go out and kill.

Love,
chuck

People are dumb...

I'll be neither the first nor the last to link it, but there's a new post up over at Salam Pax's place.

Excuse me while I go read it...

A Voyage to Arcturus
Brain Fizz
Fallible
George H. Williams
A New Version of Me
Perceptions
Ranter
Suck is Life
The Rattler

More:
Red Letter Day (with sweet video!)

In the topical humor department:

The Mr. T School of Storm Tracking.

via Fark.

Well, since you are seeing this website, it looks like Fort Awesome survived last night's tornadoes. We were watching some TV when they cut in with a weather alert, and we spent most of the afternoon watching the storm track in. By the time it got close it was clear that it was going to miss me just to the north.

I discovered (with apologies to my friends who work at Fox) that KCTV 5 has the best storm coverage in the area. They showed a lot less gratuitous video (at least while the storm was still in the area) and had much better storm tracking software. As the storm moved through the city, they tracked the center of the storm closely, and kept up radar pictures with labeled streets showing exactly where the funnel was likely to be.

On the map below, you'll see two points where the tornado did some serious damage, and Fort Awesome down a bit further to the south. It sounds like Jessy was in the wrong place at the wrong time... She was up in Liberty, directly in the path of the storm. Since she's posted since then, I'd assume she's OK, if a bit shaken.

I'd have to disagree about her earthquakes vs. tornadoes argument. She says:

Seriously, I will take earthquakes over Tornadoes any day. Earthquakes hit, if they are small they can be "fun" and they don't last more than 3 seconds.

Yes, and if they're not producing tornadoes, strong thunderstorms can be pretty nice too... When the Northridge earthquake hit in 1994, I was about 10 miles west over in Simi Valley. I do have to say that that was more frightening than anything I've ever experienced before. (Or ever hope to...)

I guess maybe I'd change my story if a tornado really did bear down on my neighborhood (like it did with Jessy), but prior warning really gives tornadoes an edge in my book. I'll take a disaster that you know is coming over being woken at 4:31AM to a shaking house and TVs falling on your pillow any day.

A two-fer today, both brought to you by the Enemies of Humanity over at Carnegie Mellon University:

Robot Soccer

and

Robot Snakes.

There's an article on Senator Rick Santorum having a meeting with the parents of four homosexuals over at the New York Times. The article is by Sheryl "My Middle Name is Gay" Stolberg.

No really, it is...

Oh, nevermind.

I've always wondered if text messaging was going to catch on at some point... Other than ones I've received through the form to the right, I've never received or sent a text message on my phone. (Yes Gurney, the form does still work, and thanks for the heads up about Chewie.)

That changed last night when I got my first. It came from my sister up in Boston who was out at Fenway watching the last game of the Red Sox/Royals series. She sent me a "Your team sucks!" message after the Royals scored three in the sixth. Boston came back to win the game and sweep the series. KC has lost four straight now, and dropped from the second to the third best record in baseball.

After the first loss to the Red Sox, I emailed my sister asking her how she could let the Sox beat my Royals. She replied:

So now they are your royals??? Wow! Can you say bandwagon???

Indeed. Absolutely shameless. I'm not a big baseball fan, and if I had to pick a favorite team, I suppose it would probably be the Astros. I'll jump on the hometown bandwagon in any sport if we're doing well, though. The Chiefs were fun to watch last year, even if I did end up missing most of their games because I was out at a bar watching the Packers.

I don't have to feel too bad in either sport, though. I'll worry about which team to truly root for the day we see either a Chiefs/Packers Super Bowl or an Astros/Royals World Series. We do get the Chiefs up at Lambeau this year, and that's definitely the game I'll be heading up for. It just won't be nearly cold enough yet in October.